Wartburg College 112 Weedings by Doug Bluck Film Questions Discussion 1. Describe the 5 to 1 ratio. What is it? How does it work keep couples happy or improve relationships if they are struggling? (SIX SENTENCES)
2. List and define the 5 reasons costs tend to go up as time goes by (chapter 6).
3. Define the triangular theory of love. (1-2 sentences)
4. Romantic love is part of the triangular theory of love. What is romantic love and why does it tend to fade? What kind of love tends to make up long term relationships? (SIX SENTENCES)
5. Watch this film… https://uni.kanopy.com/product/112-weddings
Select 4 couples from the film. Using the information above as well as any other content from chapters 6 and 8, discuss each of the couples. Here are some potential questions you might consider…. Identify any “costs” you notice as you listen to them, and do you think the rewards outweigh those costs? What category do the costs fall under (question 2). What kind of love do you think they experience (question 3). Please reference their NAMES as you discuss them as I am familiar with them and will want to know who you are disucssing. (8 to 10 sentences) Chapter 6
Interdependency
Miller
Intimate Relationships, 6/e
McGraw-Hill/Irwin
Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Social Exchange
• Successful relationships entail the mutual exchange of
desirable rewards with others. This process is called
social exchange.
Rewards and Costs
• Rewards are results of an interaction that are gratifying,
welcome, and fulfilling.
• Costs are consequences that are frustrating, distressing,
and undesirable.
6-2
Social Exchange
Rewards and Costs
The outcome of an interaction is its net profit or loss.
Adding up all the rewards and costs that result:
Outcome = Rewards – Costs
6-3
Social Exchange
Rewards and Costs
Interdependence theory suggests that we evaluate the
outcomes we receive with two criteria:
• What we expect from our relationships, and
• How well we think we can do with other partners.
6-4
Social Exchange
What Do We Expect from Our Relationships?
Each of us has a personal comparison level
(or CL) that describes what we expect and feel we
deserve in our dealings with others.
– When our outcomes exceed our comparison levels, we’re
happy and content.
– But when our outcomes are lower than our comparison
levels, we’re disgruntled and distressed.
6-5
Social Exchange
What Do We Expect from Our Relationships?
CL is thus the standard with which satisfaction with a
relationship is assessed.
Outcomes – CL = Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction
Even if a relationship is profitable and rewarding,
you may not be satisfied if the profit isn’t big enough
to meet your expectations.
6-6
Social Exchange
How Well Could We Do Elsewhere?
Whether or not we’re happy, we also evaluate our
partnerships with a comparison level for alternatives (or
CLalt) that describes the outcomes we (think we) can get
elsewhere.
Our CLalts are the lowest level of outcomes we will
accept from our current partners.
Why?
6-7
Social Exchange
How Well Could We Do Elsewhere?
If we think we can do better in another relationship, all
things considered, we’re likely to leave our present
partners and pursue those bigger payoffs even if we’re
currently happy with what we’ve got.
On the other hand, even if we’re currently miserable,
we won’t leave unless a better alternative presents itself.
6-8
Social Exchange
How Well Could We Do Elsewhere?
A CLalt is a complex, multifaceted judgment involving
both the costs of leaving and the rewards offered by
others.
Investments are the things we lose when a relationship
ends.
6-9
Social Exchange
Four Types of Relationships
Good Outcomes
—— Current Outcomes
____ CL
____ CLalt
Poor Outcomes
When outcomes exceed both CL and CLalt,
it’s a HAPPY and STABLE relationship.
6-10
Social Exchange
Four Types of Relationships
Good Outcomes
____ CL
—— Current Outcomes
____ CLalt
Poor Outcomes
When outcomes exceed CLalt but fall below CL,
it’s an UNHAPPY but STABLE relationship.
6-11
Social Exchange
Four Types of Relationships
Good Outcomes
____ CLalt
—— Current Outcomes
____ CL
Poor Outcomes
When outcomes exceed CL but fall below CLalt,
it’s a HAPPY but UNSTABLE relationship.
6-12
Social Exchange
Four Types of Relationships
Good Outcomes
____ CLalt
____ CL
—— Current Outcomes
Poor Outcomes
When outcomes fall below both CL and CLalt,
it’s an UNHAPPY and UNSTABLE relationship.
6-13
Social Exchange
Four Types of Relationships
In real relationships, a huge variety of configurations are
possible as CLs, CLalts, and outcomes all range from
excellent to poor.
6-14
Social Exchange
CL and CLalt as Time Goes By
Our CLs are based on our past experiences, and
they fluctuate along with the outcomes we receive.
Excellent outcomes delight us at first…
…but if we come to take them for granted, our
CLs will rise, and those outcomes will gradually
become less satisfying–not because the fine
outcomes have changed, but because our
expectations have gone up.
6-15
Social Exchange
CL and CLalt as Time Goes By
Cultural changes may also have made our CLalts higher
than ever before:
• Women work
• People are mobile
• Legal and social barriers to divorce have eroded
The costs of departing a marriage have decreased, and
people have more options and partners available to
them.
6-16
The Economies of Relationships
Counting up the rewards and costs of a relationship
provides extraordinary information about its current
state and likely future.
Costs are particularly influential because
bad is stronger than good.
Negative events carry more psychological weight than
desirable events do.
6-17
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards need to outnumber costs
by at least 5-to-1
if we’re to stay satisfied
with a close relationship.
6-18
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards and Costs Are Different
• Gain positive outcomes
– this is an approach motivation
• Avoid negative outcomes
– this is an avoidance motivation
6-19
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By
When they begin, relationships that will soon fail do
not differ from those that will succeed in the number
of attractive rewards they provide.
However, there is a difference in the number of costs
they inflict. Doomed partnerships are more costly
from the moment they start.
6-20
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By
However, even in relationships that will succeed,
costs typically rise as the partners spend more time
together.
Pay heed to your doubts about new partners, but recognize
that most relationships probably go through an awkward
phase of adjustment as interdependency increases.
6-21
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By
Overall, though, marital satisfaction usually declines
as time passes…
…and there are probably several reasons why.
6-22
The Economies of Relationships
Here is the usual trajectory of marital satisfaction:
Insert Figure 6.7 here
6-23
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By
– Lack of Effort
People may stop working as hard as they once did to be
consistently charming.
– Interdependency Is a Magnifying Glass
Conflict is more consequential, and annoyances more
aggravating, because of the close and frequent contact that
comes with intimacy.
– Access to Weaponry –
Intimate partners know our foibles and our secrets, and that
gives them the means to hurt us, even unintentionally, in
ways others can’t.
6-24
The Economies of Relationships
Rewards and Costs as Time Goes By
–Unwelcome Surprises –
Some surprises are inevitable.
– Unrealistic Expectations –
Don’t assume that having kids will bring you
closer together.
6-25
Are We Really This Greedy?
The Nature of Interdependency
If you value a relationship, you’ll want to keep your
partner happy, so that he or she will want to stay with
you.
Providing rewarding outcomes to your partner, even if it
involves effort and sacrifice, can be self-serving if it
causes a desirable relationship to continue.
6-26
Are We Really This Greedy?
Exchange versus Communal Relationships
In exchange relationships, people expect immediate
repayment for benefits given.
Partners are more content when favors are repaid
immediately, and they keep track of each other’s
contributions to the relationship.
6-27
Are We Really This Greedy?
Exchange versus Communal Relationships
In communal relationships, people do favors for each
other without expecting explicit repayment.
The partners are more content when favors are not
quickly repaid, and they do not keep track of each
other’s contributions to the relationship.
6-28
Are We Really This Greedy?
Exchange versus Communal Relationships
People seem generous, not greedy, in communal
relationships.
Nevertheless, the processes of social exchange still
pertain to communal relationships…
6-29
Are We Really This Greedy?
Exchange versus Communal Relationships
• Tit-for-tat exchanges still take place in communal
relationships, but they involve diverse types of
rewards that are provided over a long span of time.
• People don’t need to “sweat the small stuff” in happy,
highly rewarding relationships, but they begin to do
so if dissatisfaction looms.
6-30
Are We Really This Greedy?
Equitable Relationships
When equity exists, a relationship is fair:
Each partner gains benefits from the relationship that are
proportional to his or her contributions to it:
Your outcomes
Your partner’s outcomes
———————— = ———————————–Your contributions
Your partner’s contributions
6-31
Are We Really This Greedy?
Equitable Relationships
When a partnership is inequitable:
– one partner is receiving too much, and is said to be
overbenefited, and
– the other partner is receiving too little, and is said to
be underbenefited.
6-32
Are We Really This Greedy?
Equitable Relationships
It’s distressing to be underbenefited. In response:
• People may try to restore actual equity,
changing their (or their partner’s) contributions or outcomes.
• People may try to restore psychological equity,
convincing themselves that they are getting what they
deserve.
• Or, people may abandon the relationship,
seeking fairness elsewhere as a last resort.
6-33
Are We Really This Greedy?
Equitable Relationships
It’s obnoxious to be underbenefited…
…but equity may not matter much if a relationship
is highly rewarding and both partners are prospering.
6-34
The Nature of Commitment
Commitment is the intention to continue a
relationship.
• Committed partners expect their relationship to
continue;
• They take a long-term view; and
• They are psychologically attached to each other.
6-35
The Nature of Commitment
According to the investment model of
commitment:
• Satisfaction increases commitment
• Alternatives of high quality decrease commitment
• Investments in a relationship increase commitment to it
6-36
The Nature of Commitment
Thus, the investment model suggests that people
remain with their partners when:
• they’re happy;
• there’s no place else to go; or
• it would cost too much to leave.
6-37
The Nature of Commitment
Some theorists assert that there are three types of
commitment:
• Personal commitment – occurs when people want to continue
a relationship because it is satisfying.
• Constraint commitment –
• occurs when people feel they have to continue a relationship
because it would cost too much to leave.
• Moral commitment – occurs when people feel they ought to
continue a relationship because it would be wrong to break their
vows.
These three types of commitment feel different, and there
may be value in distinguishing them from one another.
6-38
The Nature of Commitment
The Consequences of Commitment
A sense of commitment leads partners to take action to
protect and maintain their relationship:
• Accommodative behavior – temporarily tolerating
provocation from one’s partner without fighting back
• Willingness to sacrifice – putting the well-being of the
relationship ahead of one’s own self-interest
• Perceived superiority – considering one’s relationship to
be better than those of other people
Thus, even if people are basically greedy at heart, they
are often unselfish, considerate, and caring to those they
befriend and love.
6-39
For Your Consideration
One of the things Gregg liked about Gail was that she was a great
cook. When she would have him over to dinner, she would serve
elaborate, delicious meals that were much more appealing than the
fast food he often ate on his own. He liked to keep things tidy and
neat, and he noticed that her apartment was always disheveled and
cluttered, but he didn’t much care because she was an exciting,
desirable companion. However, once they were married, Gail
cooked less often; they both worked, and she frequently called him
before he came home to ask him to pick up take-out meals for
dinner. He also became annoyed by her slovenly housekeeping.
He did his fair share of housework, but a pile of unfolded laundry
constantly occupied their living room couch, and they had to push it
aside to sit together to watch television. She seemed not to notice
just how scattered and disorganized her belongings were, and
Gregg began to feel resentful.
What do you think the future holds for Gregg and Gail? Why?
6-40
Chapter 8
Love
Miller
Intimate Relationships, 6/e
McGraw-Hill/Irwin
Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
A Brief History of Love
Different cultures have held very different views of love:
• Cultural value: Is love desirable or undesirable?
• Sexuality: Should love be sexual or nonsexual?
• Sexual orientation: Should love involve same-sex or
heterosexual partners?
• Marital status: Should we love our spouses, or is love
reserved for others?
8-2
A Brief History of Love
Only recently have (some) cultures come to
believe that love and marriage go together.
Today, the belief that romantic love is a reason to marry
is commonplace in North America…
…but it is still held in only some regions of the world.
8-3
Types of Love
The Triangular Theory of Love
Three different building blocks are presumed to
combine to form different types of love:
• Intimacy – feelings of warmth, understanding,
communication, support, and sharing
• Passion – emotional arousal and sexual desire
• Commitment – the decision to stay in a
relationship and to work to maintain it
8-4
Types of Love
The Triangular Theory of Love
Different mixtures of these components create different
experiences:
– Nonlove – intimacy, passion, and commitment are all
absent.
– Liking – high intimacy, but little passion or commitment.
– Infatuation – just passion.
– Empty love – commitment without intimacy or passion.
8-5
Types of Love
The Triangular Theory of Love
Things get more even interesting when two or more
components are combined:
– Romantic love – a combination of intimacy and passion.
– Companionate love – high intimacy and commitment, but little
passion.
– Fatuous love — passion and commitment in the absence of
intimacy.
– Consummate love – intimacy, passion, and commitment are all
present to a substantial degree.
Evidently, various meanings may underlie the
expression, “I love you.”
8-6
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
Romantic love involves passion…
…and any form of strong arousal, pleasant or
unpleasant, can influence our feelings of romantic
love.
8-7
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
(a)
(b)
(c)
(d)
swaying on a spooky suspension bridge;
running in place for two minutes;
watching a disgusting movie; or
listening to a stand-up comedian
all increase men’s attraction to physically attractive women
who happen to be nearby.
8-8
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
Adrenaline fuels romantic love.
Various events that excite us may increase our love
for our partners.
8-9
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
Indeed, a two-factor theory of romantic love proposes
that such love results from:
(a) physiological arousal, paired with
(b) the belief that another person is the cause of your
arousal.
8-10
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
Some of the thoughts that underlie romantic love are apparent in
Rubin’s (1973) Love Scale that assesses:
– Intimacy: “I feel that I can confide in my partner
about virtually anything.”
– Dependence: “If I could never be with my partner, I
would be miserable.”
– Caring: “I would do almost anything for my partner.”
8-11
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
Romantic love is evidently a multifaceted experience
that involves both giving and taking.
8-12
Types of Love
Romantic, Passionate Love
In addition, “love is blind.”
When people feel romantic attraction to others, they tend to
underestimate or ignore those others’ faults.
8-13
Types of Love
Love is blind: When men expected to date a woman, they thought her lousy
work was better than it really was.
8-14
Types of Love
Companionate Love
As a combination of intimacy and commitment,
companionate love is a comfortable, affectionate,
trusting love based on friendship and companionship.
8-15
Types of Love
Companionate Love
After they have been married for many years, happy
couples tend to say:
“My spouse is my best friend,” and
“I like my spouse as a person.”
Long-lasting, satisfying marriages evidently include a
lot of companionate love.
8-16
Types of Love
Thus, there appear to be two major types of love that
occur frequently in American marriages:
– a love that’s full of passion that leads a couple to
marry, and
– a love thats full of friendship that underlies
marriages that last.
8-17
Types of Love
Styles of Loving
Another scheme (Lee, 1988) identifies another 6 types of love
experiences:
•
•
•
•
•
•
Eros – erotic love with a strong physical component
Ludus – playful and uncommitted; love is a game
Storge – love that emphasizes friendship and commitment
Mania – possessive, obsessive love that is full of fantasy
Agape – altruistic, selfless, dutiful love
Pragma – practical and pragmatic, dispassionate love
8-18
Types of Love
Styles of Loving
Men score higher on ludus than women do, and
women are more storgic and pragmatic than men.
These love styles allow researchers to fine-tune their analyses of
the diverse experiences people have with love.
8-19
Individual and Cultural
Differences in Love
Culture
Love is much the same around the world, but cultural
nuances exist.
8-20
Individual Differences in Love
Attachment Styles
Early studies demonstrated that people with secure
attachment styles experience more intimacy, passion,
and commitment than people with insecure or
avoidant styles do.
8-21
Individual Differences in Love
Attachment Styles
Which of these paragraphs best describe you?
•
“It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am
comfortable depending on others and having others depend on
me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept
me.”
•
“I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I
often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like.
I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I
sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value
8-22
them.”
Individual Differences in Love
Attachment Styles
•
“I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally
close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others
completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I
allow myself to become too close to others.”
•
“I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is
very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient,
and I prefer not to depend on others or to have others depend on
me.”
8-23
Individual Differences in Love
Attachment Styles
Two themes are now thought to underlie the four styles:
• Anxiety over abandonment – describing the worry that
others will find us unworthy and leave us, and
• Avoidance of intimacy – describing the ease and trust
with which we accept interdependent intimacy with
others
8-24
Individual Differences in Love
Attachment Styles
These themes influence important elements of interaction:
• Intimacy
• Passion
• Commitment
• Caring and Caregiving
A secure style is positively related to all four of these building
blocks. Secure people experience more intense romantic,
companionate, and compassionate love than insecure people do.
8-25
Individual Differences in Love
Attachment Styles
Importantly, the quality of our attachments can vary from
partner to partner.
We may be fairly secure in some of our relationships, but
relatively insecure in others.
8-26
Individual Differences in Love
Age
Most people mellow with age. Emotions are less intense,
and generally more positiv…
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